


when the last hope runs out

by taeku



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Ambiguous/Open Ending, M/M, Unrequited Love, a bit of angst, friends to strangers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:27:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27383443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeku/pseuds/taeku
Summary: Jaehyun’s hands are clammy, hot against Yukhei’s face. Yukhei wonders if his hair is soft under his touch. He wishes it did. He wants to ask, wants to know what it feels like to Jaehyun, having his hair touching his skin. Instead, he opens his eyes, stares at Jaehyun’s dark eyes, and breaks.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Comments: 7
Kudos: 23





	when the last hope runs out

**Author's Note:**

> this is a birthday gif to my favorite person out there (happy birthday bitch)  
> coming from our dm's full of cries about how little jaecas content exist and that one video of yukhei crying for a girl  
> i hope it's any good
> 
> :/

Yukhei is sitting at the back of the room. The sunlight caresses his face, makes his eyes shine and his skin warm, but he can’t feel it. He can’t feel any of the warmness in this small hotel room, can’t smell the sweet scent of the flowers mixed with everyone’s perfume. Most of all, he can’t stop his chest from hurting. Can’t stop it from aching.

Yukhei is looking at Jaehyun.

Jaehyun, who’s smiling and half crying, his nerves getting the best of him. Jaehyun, who wears a light blue suit, with his favorite brown shoes, the ones Yukhei brought him for his birthday, two years ago. Jaehyun, who’s surrounded by his closest friends. Jaehyun, who marries someone that isn’t Yukhei, today.

Yukhei cannot do anything but stare at the man he’s been the closest to for the last seven years, stare at the man he’s been in love with for just as long. And he feels terrible, for not being able to be happy. He just can’t bring himself to be, really. There’s too much pain in his heart, too much regret and bitterness.

The funny thing about seeing Jaehyun in his wedding suit, merely an hour before the big event, is that, if Yukhei had spoken up about the way he felt years ago, it could have been him. He could have been the one marrying Jaehyun today. The one to kiss him in front of their parents and friends, the one to give his vows and the ring.

It could have been him, yet in this story, Yukhei’s just the best man.

“Yo, Yukhei” he hears to his left “get your ass up, we’re taking pictures”

Yukhei lets his eyes fall from Jaehyun to focus on Johnny, his old camera in hands. Yukhei smiles at him _-tries-_ and gets up slowly, readjusting his jacket. Jaehyun looks up at him then, watches as he gets closer before he flashes him one of the biggest smile Yukhei saw on him.

“Come here” Jaehyun says, offering his hand to Yukhei.

Yukhei doesn’t take it.

Yukhei doesn’t take it and instead of standing right next to Jaehyun, like he’s invited to do, he places himself near Taeyong, at the bottom left, putting as much distance as he can between him and his aching heart. Jaehyun glances at him, smile shivering at the corners, but the confusion quickly disappears, watched away by everyone’s loud happiness. 

The flashes in front of his eyes, immortalising what’s supposed to be a happy day, brings Yukhei back, back, back seven years ago, and, not for the first time, he wishes for this day to never have happen. He wishes for Jaehyun to never have been so nice to him when he was lost in the corridors. He wishes for Jaehyun to just have walk past him and not help him find his class, class they, of course, ended up sharing.

Yukhei, for how much he loves Jaehyun, hates him just as equally. And it’s ugly, and he hates himself for it, but it can’t be helped. Yukhei is bitter, and sad, and angry and every variation that can be found. He’s everything but happy. For himself, and for Jaehyun.

-

_“Yukhei, I don’t know why you’re not here right now, but the ceremony is about to begin. You have the rings. Jaehyun is freaking out for real this time. Where are you?”_

-

Yukhei’s supposed to stay in Seoul for just a year. Just one little, small year in his life. He’s supposed to stay in Seoul, learn about physics and come back home, where he belongs. Things don’t turn out that way. In fact, this city changes Yukhei, and he doesn’t come back after a year. He stays a bit more, and a bit more, and a bit more until his parents and old friends stop asking when he’s planning on coming back.

He stays in Seoul because a nice boy stopped in the corridors for him on his first day and showed him around. He stays in Seoul because he meets new people, people that open his mind and his heart and his perspective of the world.

Yukhei stays in Seoul because he falls in love with a boy too nice to be true, too beautiful to be human, too loving for it to _just_ be friendship. Yukhei wonders if, at some point, it actually was more than friendship between them. They never kissed, not even drunk. They never hold hands and hugged each other, ever, but there was this way Jaehyun looked at him that made Yukhei shiver under his skin.

Jaehyun’s eyes would speak to Yukhei in ways they wouldn’t with other people. They would tell jokes and stories and sassy words in passing, and Yukhei would thrill. Thrill at the knowledge that Jaehyun would look at him that certain way, even in public. Thrill to think that Jaehyun liked him enough to show him sides of his personality he would normally hide being a polite smile.

Thinking about it now, Yukhei believes he invented all of this. All those sides of Jaehyun that where just for him, just for the both of them, alone. Yukhei believes the love he caried for Jaehyun, hiding deep inside his heart for years, made him imagine everything.

It’s bittersweet, what he feels now. It’s so pathetic, _he’s_ so pathetic that it’s almost comical. Pathetic to think that someone like Jaehyun could like someone like him. Pathetic in the way he loved him, so quickly, so innocently, so, _so Yukhei_. But it’s alright. Because this was a lesson, Yukhei thinks to himself. Love can be a lesson, a part of life you can’t escape nor fight.

Yukhei could almost say thank you to Jaehyun. Thanks him for teaching him that no, not everyone you’ll love will love you back. Not even after seven years. He doesn’t, though, because he’s pathetic enough as it is.

-

_“Yukhei, man, where are you? We had to improvise without you and the rings. Jaehyun’s really pissed off at you. You better have a solid reason for dipping out of this”_

-

Yukhei falls in love with Jaehyun like what feels like a stroke. It paralyzes him for a minute before he’s capable of forming words again. It stops him in his words, catches his breath in his throat, makes his hands shake.

Yukhei falls in love with Jaehyun at a small café, after class, four months after their first encounter. He comes to that realisation while staring at Jaehyun. His right side is turned to him as Jaehyun’s eyes scan the busy street being the window, the falling sky reflecting on his newly colored hair. Jaehyun is beautiful, in more ways than just physical, and the truth hits Yukhei, raw and by the front. Tackles him to the ground and laughs at him right before affectionally caressing his cheeks.

Jaehyun turns to face him when Yukhei stops speaking, and smiles at him, small and tender. Lets his face fall on the side, eyes a little mocking, a little tired. And beautiful. So beautiful.

“Yukhei?” he hears “You’re alright big boy?”

Jaehyun’s voice is low and rough, proof of the start of a cold, and Yukhei loves him.

“I’m alright” he says back, blinking. “What was I saying again?”

Jaehyun laughs, small, before a cough breaks it for a minute. Drinking coffee to calm down, Jaehyun blinks the tears away.

“You were talking about your teacher pestering you because she thinks your Korean isn’t good enough”

Right, Yukhei remembers now. He goes back to speaking, Jaehyun staring right back at him, and Yukhei can’t stop but think of how soft Jaehyun’s hair would feel in between his fingers.

-

_“Man, we’re getting worried. Where are you buddy? Taeyong and I went to your apartment this evening but you didn’t answer. What’s up with you? Please call us back when you can_.”

-

Yukhei stands at Jaehyun’s side, in front of the last door that separates them form the weeding. They stand in silence while Jaehyun checks his suits, checks the rings, checks his heart. Yukhei knows that if they pass that door and go down the stairs, walk into the room full of people already celebrating, he’ll lose Jaehyun for good.

If Yukhei lets Jaehyun walk out that door, into the world, he’ll hate himself. For the rest of his life. He knows that right now, as Jaehyun takes a deep breath, his hand on the knob, ready to jump into this, right now is his very last chance.

“Jaehyun” he hears himself say, his throat dry, suddenly.

Jaehyun turns to him, face red but eyes bright open, and Yukhei refuses to look down at him. Because he knows that if he does, if he looks into Jaehyun’s eyes and sees the happiness inside of them, happiness he isn’t the one to provide, he’ll lose his temper. His bravery. So he doesn’t look at Jaehyun, bores his eyes in the wooden door, and takes one last, deep breath.

“Jaehyun” he says again “Don’t marry him”

Silence is heavy and palpable, and Yukhei refuses to look at Jaehyun. Jaehyun who stares at him, smile frigid on his lips, hands shaking slightly. Jaehyun stares at him for what feels like an eternity, before he lets his hand fall back to his side. He turns to face Yukhei then, steps in front of him, trying to catch his sight.

“What are you talking about?” he asks, his voice low. Almost hurt. Yukhei doesn’t think about that.

Because Yukhei doesn’t answer right away, Jaehyun asks again, louder, meaner. Takes Yukhei’s face in his hands and forces him to look down, down, down at him. Yukhei yields, eyes closed, hands turned into fists.

“Yukhei” Jaehyun’s voice resonates again “Look at me and tell me what you meant by that”

Jaehyun’s hands are clammy, hot against Yukhei’s face. Yukhei wonders if his hair is soft under his touch. He wishes it did. He wants to ask, wants to know what it feels like to Jaehyun, having his hair touching his skin. Instead, he opens his eyes, stares at Jaehyun’s dark eyes, and breaks.

“I love you” he says at loud, for the first time “I’ve loved you for seven years now, and I can’t watch you marry someone else”

The look in Jaehyun’s eyes, Yukhei will never be able to comprehend it. There something in it, something so different from what he knows from Jaehyun. He almost gets scared. The darkness in his irises, the frown of his eyebrows, the hands tightening around his cheeks. It almost looks like anger, but Yukhei will never know, because it goes just as fast as it came. Jaehyun comes back to what Yukhei knows, lets his hands fall off of Yukhei’s face.

Yukhei can feel his throat tighten, his arms shaking, his eyes flutter. He’s losing his composure, and he knows Jaehyun knows, too. He almost wants to cry. Wants to tell Jaehyun to say something, anything, that would fill the silence, but nothing comes out of Jaehyun’s mouth. Not right away. The silence makes Yukhei dizzy, eyes blinking, over and over, helping him stay focused and washing away the tears he knows would come otherwise.

And Jaehyun stares at him, until he doesn’t anymore, eyes dared down. Deep down, Yukhei knows he’s lost. Been aware of it ever since Wonho first appeared in front of him. Still, he hoped. He hoped because Jaehyun would still look at him that certain way, would still call him late at night to say nothing. Yukhei hoped Jaehyun would read into him enough, one day, enough to see the love he kept inside, the love he had for him, a love so strong he wouldn’t fear anything anymore.

But Jaehyun never read him, not like that. Jaehyun would never read him like Yukhei wanted him to. And it wasn’t fine anymore. It wasn’t.

“I have to marry him” Jaehyun says, at some point. He looks up from the ground, eyes dark and filled with fire. “I have to” he continues, taking a step back.

Yukhei wants to reach to him. Feels his arm twists under the pressure. Yukhei wants so many things at once, right now, that he doesn’t know what to do with himself. So he opens his mouth, at last, and blinks. Blinks, blinks, blinks until the tears finally betray him.

“I love you” he whispers, soft and broken. He repeats it, says _Jaehyun, I love you_ , even if he knows it won’t change anything. He says it because he can, now, he can vocalise it and express it and let Jaehyun know, even when nothing comes out of it.

“And I love him” Jaehyun says right back, voice firm, no hesitation in it. “I love Wonho, and I’m getting married to him. Today”

Jaehyun’s face is closed off, and Yukhei lets it go. The last hope he kept inside of his heart, still knowing it wouldn’t last. And he takes his decision, at that moment. Watching inside Jaehyun’s eyes, seeing his face, so mean to him in a way he never was. Yukhei takes his decision in a blink of an eye, and knows he can’t go back from this. He can’t.

It’s ok if he never knows what Jaehyun’s lips feel like, what they taste like. It’s ok if he never experiences the smoothness of Jaehyun’s skin under his fingertips. It’s ok to not fight this. Yukhei is not fighting right now. He doesn’t want to. Never prepared himself for a battle he already knew was hopeless.

He just spoke, in order not to explode.

Yukhei won’t be staying there, watching as the man he loves gives himself to someone else. Yukhei might be stone brave and strong, but he isn’t heartless. He isn’t that selfless, either. Witnessing his love falling for someone else, he can. Witnessing the sweet attention and the secrets hidden in glances, he can. Witnessing someone he loves like he never loved anyone getting away from him, away from his hold and life, he can manage.

But, this. This, watching all of this, the wedding, the friends, the laughs, the absolute adoration in Jaehyun’s eyes when he looks at Wonho, he can’t do.

He can’t do.

So he walks away, turns his back to the anger in the eyes of a man who’s probably the love of his life, and gets out.

-

_“Yukhei, it’s been a week now, answer your damn fucking phone.”_

-

Sitting in his car, at a red light, Yukhei smiles. He thinks of the pictures they took before the ceremony, in that small hotel room. He thinks about where he was, where he went, and how easy it will be to crop him out of the frame. Refusing to stand next to Jaehyun really was a good call, he thinks. It’ll only make things easier to forget, easier to pretend he was never here. That he never existed in any of their lives.

And Yukhei cries, at that thought. Lets the tears fall down his face and into the collar of a shirt too tight for him. Yukhei cries and smiles at the same time, not caring that the light went green and the people behind honks at him.

He smiles because he’s finally free of his secret, his so well-kept secret. He smiles because he doesn’t have to hide or lie or pretend he likes Jaehyun’s boyfriend _-husband_ \- anymore.

He cries because he loves his friends. He loves them so damn much it hurts to leave them behind without an explanation, or excuses. Yukhei really doesn’t have any excuses for his behaviour. Can’t really explain what happened and why he did it, why he thought it was a good idea to do it on the very last day, the very last minute.

Yukhei doesn’t know what went through his head, but he’s relieved he did it. Because like this, there is no regrets. No lies and no life of pretending he’s not dying everytime he glances at Jaehyun and his partner and sees how happy they are together.

Yukhei doesn’t have to do that anymore.

-

_“Yukhei, this is Jaehyun… I don’t know what’s going on, but could you please answer your phone? Or at least send a text, saying you’re alright? Not to me, not necessarily, but at least to Johnny. He’s getting sick from worrying about you. And, Yukhei… about… Just give me a call, yeah?_

-

Jaehyun is Yukhei’s biggest failure.

He’s a failure in the sense that Yukhei never had the guts to act up, when he normally did. He’s a failure in the sense that Yukhei never had him, not really. Not even as just friends. Jaehyun’s a hard person to read, to get real access too. Yukhei tried. God, did he try to enter the fortress Jaehyun’s mind was, with no success.

He felt like he did, at times. When the colors in Jaehyun’s eyes would change. When they lied down on some parks grass, drunk and frizzing from the cold, Jaehyun’s lips shivering with the words he wanted to voice out loud but ended up never sharing. When Jaehyun would stare at him through the club’s lights, eyes dark and speaking a language Yukhei never understood.

It was the details that hurt Yukhei, more than anything else. The small things, the small gestures, the small words in the back of a car. Jaehyun was a failure in the sense that Yukhei didn’t see the hurt he brought him because his love was too blind to that type of thing. The details hurt him because when he thought he had a chance, a real chance, Jaehyun came with Wonho and told their group of friends they were dating.

Yukhei got addicted to them. To who they were, in his head. The best friends, the secret lovers, the soulmates. They were a lot of things in Yukhei’s head, but they were just humans in the outside world. He never was anything to Jaehyun, Yukhei comes to believe. He was just another person in the group of people he hanged out with. He was just a nice classmate becoming more as he entered his circle of friends. They were friends, but never best friends.

-

Wonho was the best friend. Wonho was the secret lover. Wonho was the soulmate. Wonho was the one Jaehyun talked to when they were lying in some parks grass, drunk and frizzing from the cold, lips shivering with the words he shared.

-

_“The number you’ve dialled cannot be reached anymore. You’ll be redirected to an operator”_

-

When Yukhei comes back home, his real home, his mother hugs him for so long Yukhei feels like he’s twelve again. He feels too vulnerable for it to be comfortable, acceptable. He cries in the crock of his mother’s shoulder while she whispers things in his hears, things Yukhei won’t remember, too absorbed in his sadness and misery to pay attention to anything else.

When Yukhei comes back home, he goes to see his old friends, one by one. Tries not to compare them to the friends he had back in Seoul. Tries not to be bitter at the life he’ll have here, instead of the life he had and could have had in Seoul.

When Yukhei comes back home, he feels empty. Feels like nothing has taste anymore. But maybe it’s a good thing. Because emptiness allows you to create new things, to invent new memories, meet new people. And Yukhei will take advantage of this emptiness, will make the most out of it.

Because he’s Yukhei, and he never gives up on himself.

-

_“The number you’ve dialled cannot be reached anymore…”_

-

Yukhei doesn’t stay with his parents for long. Maybe a couple of weeks, maybe a few months. Honestly, time wasn’t Yukhei’s biggest concern then. He tried not to think about it too much, because thinking of time made it harder to forget Seoul and the people in it. So he busied himself, so much he lost track of sleep sometimes. But it was alright, because like that, he couldn’t think.

He goes to Hong Gong for business and stays there a couple more days than planned because he bumps into a beautiful man in the streets, gives him his number so he can pay for the pressing costs and ends up in his bed. He goes to Hong Gong and starts dating Jackson. Their relationship is more physical than anything, but Yukhei is content with it.

Yukhei’s mother meets him, once, after the fourth month. His mother loves him and Jackson loves her right back and Yukhei smiles, truly smiles, for the first time in months. And as they’re leaving Yukhei’s family house, back to their own apartments, his mother stops him. Takes his hand in hers and smiles at him like she used to do when he was seven and playing with sand.

“You look good” she says, moving his bangs behind his ear “The two of you together”

Then, after a small silence where Yukhei blinks at her, not really knowing what to say other than thank you, she speaks again.

“He makes you happy, doesn’t he?”

“He does” Yukhei says, because it was the truth. Jackson brought a happiness Yukhei hadn’t experienced in a long time, and his heart didn’t really know how to process it, how to comprehend it, how to incorporate it in his daily life. Jackson made Yukhei happy, by laughing at his small miseries, by kissing him on the forehead sometimes, by buying him his favorite coffee.

“I’m glad he does” his mother whispers to him, squeezing his hand “This is what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like”

He and Jackson go on dates sometimes, go on two trips and talk about moving in together when it ends. It ends naturally, if Yukhei can turn it that way. It ends naturally because even if they cared for each other, they never liked each other. Not in the way that would have made them last and fall in love.

And as Yukhei sits with his father, after telling him, he lets the feeling of solitude go back to him. Like an old friend.

“He was the first man you ever introduced us to” his father says, sipping his tea, watching as the rain falls on their flowers “You never introduce us to the men you like”

It hits him, at that moment. The reality of this. Jackson was the first man he showed his parents to, and it makes him want to cry. Not that there were a lot of them, but because there was one in particular that weighted so much in his life and on who he was today. There was one man he fell for so hard, but never got to tell his parents about, let alone introduce. Officially.

And it breaks his heart more than losing Jackson.

-

Yukhei falls in love with Kun a year after, and it’s so different from Jackson. It’s different in a good way because Kun is everything Jackson wasn’t. He’s composed and calmer, doesn’t like partying that much or drink alcohol every night with his colleagues. Kun was a house person, like a cat, and Yukhei found so much comfort in that it didn’t take long before he felt his heart do that weird thing again.

Kun liked him right back, bright smile covering half of his face and eyes shivering, bright with happiness. They took it slow, at first. Because Yukhei was still processing things and Kun read right through him.

“We have time” he had said, looking at Yukhei with a small, reassuring smile on his lips “We have time, Yukhei, to figure things out”

And he was right. They had all the time in the world, and Yukhei feared it. Feared that too much time would separate them, would make their feelings fade away. Feared that Kun would get tired of him and leave, rightfully so. But Kun didn’t leave him, didn’t get angry or frustrated at him. And that made Yukhei love him more, the patience. The kindness. Kindness he deserved but didn’t really know he deserved.

Yukhei falls in love with Kun, and it’s a great love, one he wouldn’t exchange for anything.

-

_“The number…”_

-

Yukhei meets Jaehyun for the first again three years after he got married.

It’s sunny outside, and Yukhei takes that opportunity to walk around the city, their dog right by his side. Adopting a dog was Kun idea, and Yukhei didn’t know how to say no to his lover. So they got Thor around six month ago, and moved to a bigger apartment.

When Yukhei sees him, his first reaction is to ignore it. Like a bad dream, or a spider on the wall. Yukhei ignores the figure standing in front of him, because it’s not the first time he sees Jaehyun in the streets. Though he knows it’s never actually Jaehyun, just someone that resembles him, his heart always stops beating for a second. It does it again today, and he ignores it, like he mastered to do.

“Yukhei” he hears this time, fainted in the city noises and movements, but definitely here. Yukhei turns his eyes to the figure, and catches dark eyes already looking at him. Dark eyes that belongs to Jaehyun, undeniably. Yukhei stops his tracks, falling over a bit as Thor keeps going, before stabilising himself. He starts at Jaehyun’s figure, eyes wide open, mouth agape. 

“Hello Yukhei” Jaehyun says, a small smile on his face, nose red from the cold. Yukhei doesn’t know how to react, didn’t expect to see Jaehyun again, ever. Yet here he was, his full corporal body, in front of him, in the middle of a Hong Kong street.

“Jaehyun” Yukhei stupiditly says back, still processing, still trying to have his hands not to shake. “Why are you here?”

For it to be a coincidence, the universe really had fun with this one. Because Hong Kong was big, and full of people. The fact that Jaehyun was here, in front of him, in the middle of the day makes Yukhei’s head spin.

“I came in vacation” Jaehyun answers, still smiling up at him.

Out of instinct, Yukhei looks around, searching for Wonho. The smile in Jaehyun’s eyes flattens a bit before he shrugs, putting his hands in his pockets.

“I came alone”

That makes Yukhei looks back at him in instant, blinking. He still doesn’t know why Jaehyun’s here, nor why he looks so polite, almost friendly, to him. Maybe Yukhei would have preferred for Jaehyun to hate him so much the simple fact of looking at him would disgust him. No, Yukhei is sure he would have preferred it. Because the way Jaehyun is looking at him right now is far from being full of hate, and Yukhei doesn’t like that feeling. At all.

They stay there, in silence, for a couple of seconds before Jaehyun turns his eyes around, exhaling a deep breath.

“Let’s have coffee?” he suggests, and Yukhei is too numb to do anything else than nod. So they het coffee at a small bakery around the corner and walk toward the nearest park. Yukhei lets go of Thor then, allowing him to run around the dog park freely.

No one talks for a few minutes, and Yukhei feels anxious. He wants Jaehyun to speak, say anything instead of calmy drinking his coffee. Yukhei does the same, out of nervousness, and burns his tongue in the process. But this is fine, Yukhei tells himself. This is fine and nothing bad will come out of this.

“Why did you leave?” Jaehyun asks, a few moments later, eyes still fixed on something in front of him.

Yukhei turns his face towards him, eyebrows frowned, confusion all over his face. He doesn’t get it, but then he does, and his blood runs cold. He looks away rapidly, hands burning from his cup and body frizzing form nerve. Today is the day he answers from this, isn’t it? Today is the day Yukhei talks about why and how he ran away on his best friend’s weeding day, at the very last minute.

But he also doesn’t have to, a voice in his head tells him. Yukhei doesn’t have to say anything at all, for that matters. He has the right to stay silent. The past is the past and they’ve grown from it. Yukhei knows he’s still trying to get pass this. For his sake, and the man he loves today. Should he stay silent, or speak his truth to a man who hurt him?

“I lied, you know” Jaehyun says, seeing as Yukhei doesn’t answer his question “I didn’t come here on vacation”

“Why did you, then?” Yukhei asks right back, voice low and surprisingly steady.

“I looked for you” Jaehyun says, almost whispers, before taking the last sip of his drink “When I understood you weren’t coming back, even for our friends, I started looking for you”

Jaehyun tells Yukhei how, when they all saw Yukhei’s apartment emptied of its furniture, Johnny snapped and broke one of the kitchen’s window. Jaehyun tells him how Yuta and Taeyong cried but didn’t say anything. He tells about how they all didn’t understand why Yukhei left without a warning, without a sign, with not even a word.

Jaehyun talks about his new life with his husband, with his new work, with the rest of the boys. And Yukhei wants to cry, at the simple fact he made Yuta cry, at the simple idea that Johnny cared for him so much yet Yukhei didn’t even consider telling him goodbye.

“Do they hate me?” Yukhei asks at some point, out of the blue, eyes glued to the ground. _Do you hate me?,_ he whispers to himself.

“No one hates you, Yukhei” Jaehyun speaks, after a few seconds of staring at his profile “They’re angry, a whole lot angry, but they don’t hate you. They think you have a good enough reason to leave without telling them”

The worst thing is, Yukhei didn’t really have a good reason to leave like this. He hated himself, for acting like this, but at the time, it seemed like the only solution, the only light at the end of the tunnel. Because he knew that his friends where Jaehyun’s friends first, and that what he did that day would have made them look at him differently. And he didn’t want that.

Yukhei knew that if the boys knew, if he had told them, they would have been on Jaehyun’s side, because that is what friends do. They stay on your side, no matter what. Yukhei would have been alone, even if he didn’t leave. So he took his chance, broke everything up, and left to save face. Blame him, whatever. But Yukhei thinks he took the best option for himself back then, and that’s what matters to him the most.

Hearing that they didn’t hate him made him feel better, a weight out of his shoulders he thought he would never get read of.

“Tell me, Yukhei” Jaehyun says again “Why did you leave?”

Yukhei turns to look at him, in the end, eyes watery with tears he doesn’t allow himself to let go. He looks at Jaehyun, who looks right back at him, face neutral, and breathes.

“You rejected me” he speaks, simply. Evident.

“I rejected you, not banned you”

Yukhei smiles at that, but it’s not happy. It’s a little angry, a little delusional. Rejected, banned, it’s all the same to him.

“I almost crashed your wedding” he says again “The happiest day of your life”

He doesn’t mean to sound so hurt, so mean, and cold, but he does and he can’t find in him to be sorry, or even guilty about it. He lets his heart speak, for the second time. Lets Jaehyun see him for what he is, not what he wanted him to see. They don’t talk after this, Jaehyun’s face turning blank, unreadable, but it doesn’t faze Yukhei. Not anymore. Not after so long.

It’s Thor that makes Yukhei stand up, the dog pulling at him to go home, and Yukhei wants it, too. He wants to go home, to the warmness of his living room and the love in Kun’s eyes. He wants out of this park, out of the cold, out of Jaehyun judging eyes on him.

“Let me walk you home?” Jaehyun asks him, getting up after him, throwing his cup away.

Yukhei wants to say no. His entire body screaming it. But for some reason, Yukhei says yes. They don’t talk, at all, on the way back to Yukhei and Kun apartment, but Yukhei can tell Jaehyun wants to. He can tell the other man has words on the verge of his lips, shivering, but not saying them at loud. And they’re back in time, the one where they were closed but far away from it each other equally.

And Yukhei doesn’t have time for this anymore. He doesn’t.

When they stop in front of Yukhei’s building, Jaehyun still doesn’t say anything, and Yukhei feels tired out of his mind.

“Have a good evening, Jaehyun” he says, turning his back to him, seeing Jaehyun in front of him hurting too much for him to keep his eyes up.

“You too” Jaehyun tells back, folding in his pockets “See you, Yukhei”

-

“Do you still love me?” is the first thing Jaehyun asks him when Yukhei opens his door, in the middle of the night, three days later.

Yukhei is still processing the fact of being awake at this hour, so he doesn’t understand what Jaehyun asked him, what he wants from him. Scratching his eyes, clearing his vision, he stares at Jaehyun.

“Jaehyun? What are you doing here?” he asks, not quite opening the door “It’s three in the morning”

There are tears in Jaehyun’s eyes and on his face and Yukhei still isn’t fully understanding the situation he’s in. He wonders how Jaehyun found his apartment’s number, but he found him in the middle of Hong Kong, so he probably has more resources than Yukhei thinks. Still, he’s confused and a little irritated. But the possibility that something happened to him, something bad, keeps him from voicing it.

“Do you still love me?” Jaehyun asks again, tears dropping down from his eyes to fall on the ground and Yukhei follows the motion with his eyes before refocusing on Jaehyun.

Yukhei’s breath is unsteady, and his heart is bouncing loudly in his hears. He stares down at Jaehyun, who looks so small in the darkness of the corridor, his coat too big for his frame, his hair a little messy. Jaehyun’s hair is _never_ messy.

“Why are you asking me this?” Yukhei asks him in return, not sure if he really wants to know the answer. What would he do, if Jaehyun tells him things he’s not supposed to? What would Yukhei say, if he lets his heart be honest? It scares him, to be this indecisive, after years of learning how to heal.

“Yukhei” Jaehyun starts, taking a step towards him “Yukhei, I think I-“

“Yukhei, who is it?” comes Kun’s voice, from their bedroom’s door, and Yukhei stops breathing for a few seconds. They stare at each other, Jaehyun’s eyes wild open, fixed on Yukhei’s fluttering ones.

“Babe?” comes Kun voice again, and it snaps Yukhei back to reality. He turns his face inside, a small, reassuring smile on his face, and waves at Kun to go back to bed.

“No one” he quickly says back “Wrong address, nothing serious”

He hopes the beating of his heart can’t be heard from there, because they seem so damn loud in his ears.

“Ok” Kun mumbles, scratching his eyes “Come back to bed soon, yeah?”

“I will”

Yukhei waits a couple more seconds after Kun closed the bedroom door before turning to Jaehyun again. Jaehyun stopped crying, and his face turned blank again. Unreadable. They stand in silence a moment, Yukhei still waiting on an answer before Jaehyun takes a step back. He looks away, at the floor, sniffling before blinking the last of his tears away?

“Can I have your number?” he asks, instead of giving a proper answer to Yukhei’s question.

Yukhei is tired, and irritated, just wants to go back to bed and cuddle his boyfriend. So he gives Jaehyun his number, looks at him one last time before closing the door, Jaehyun’s eyes still boring holes into him.

-

**Unknown number, [4:56 am]**

I hope he makes you happy

Like you deserve

-

**Unknown number, [5:10 am]**

This is Jaehyun

-

Kun asks Yukhei to marry him, and he says yes. He says yes but tells Kun he’s afraid to fall out of love, one day, so they should wait a little bit longer. Kun doesn’t care, says that what matters is that they love each other now. So they wait a little bit longer, until Yukhei is completely sure, until his heart allows him to commit to Kun entirely, and not just with the pieces he brought back together.

-

Jaehyun calls Yukhei eight months later, but Yukhei doesn’t respond. Barely acknowledges the caller’s name before flipping his phone over, concentrating on Kun and their dinner instead. It’s only when they’re back to their apartment and Kun falls fast asleep that Yukhei opens his phone again, and listens to the voicemail Jaehyun left him.

 _“We’re getting a divorce, Wonho and I”_ are the first words Jaehyun says before he pauses for a couple of seconds. His breath is heavy and Yukhei is frozen into place, the cold of the wall making his hair stand up on his skin. _“And I miss you”_

 _“I miss you, Yukhei. I’m sorry for missing you the way I do.”_ There’s another pause, in which Yukhei catches the faint sound of a laugh before Jaehyun’s voice englobes him back.

_“If you ever pass by Seoul again, let’s have a drink, just the two of us. I think we have a lot to talk about, you and me”_

As silence takes over again, Yukhei stays still for a long moment, eyes lost on the city lights passing through the unclosed curtains. He doesn’t think, not really, but he can’t stop Jaehyun’s words from turning in his mind, over and over and over again, so much he gets dizzy.

He goes to bed, at last, and Kun turns his body around, placing himself against his side. Yukhei stares at him, at his eyes closed and his mouth slightly open. Yukhei stares at him, and loves him, so, so much. He kisses his forehead, pulls the covers up on their bodies, and closes his eyes.

Yukhei forces himself to sleep that night, and when the morning comes, watches as Kun wakes up, slowly, puffy, a little moody.

“I love you” Yukhei murmurs in his ears, hands pulling Kun’s bangs away from his eyes, heart aching painfully.

“And I love you” Kun says, right back.

**Author's Note:**

> hit me up : @__babybird


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